30-something and Feeling Lost in Motherhood

photo credit: The Backyard Missionary

I just took two Advil, cranked the heat in the house, and dragged my sorry carcass, complete with mascara-smeared cheeks, and a now side-ways ponytail to my computer desk to write for a brief moment while my husband graciously took the kids out so I could have a much needed time-out. Run-on sentence? Yup. Am I going to fix it? Nope.

I just finished taking a marketing class in effort to understand social media. Can I just say that it makes me feel ultra-old that I need someone to tell me how to work social media? I won’t even tell you how much it has made my head hurt these past few weeks. But you know what the worst portion was? All the talk about finding your niche. 

Questions for finding your niche part one: what is that you can talk about all day? Hmm…I’ve been a mom for so long that the only thing I know how to talk about is motherhood. And I’ll probably do it in short sentences so a four year old can follow along. Don’t mind me if I insert a few “good girls” or “atta boys” into my conversation (be grateful you aren't sitting next me or you might find yourself with a pat on the head or a high five just because I love you). 

Next niche finding question posed to my struggling brain: what lights you up when you talk about it? There’s the real kicker because here’s the thing, I could tell you all about motherhood, I could tell you about being a parent and all the lovely things about it. I could talk about the importance of getting out on date nights to keep the sparkle alive. But at the end of the day, I’m tired. Just.Plain.Tired. I’m tired of talking about making meals, doing laundry, driving people to every event that ever there was. I’m tired of talking about the struggles of getting a four year old to wear mitts (the battle is real folks!).

It took me awhile to process all these deep and philosophical questions as I began to realize that I couldn't answer them for my business because I couldn't answer them for myself. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (there might be a little Star Wars excitement brewing in our house), there lived a young lady who knew what she wanted to do and what lit her up. But then, motherhood rolled in a like tanker and she got to work. Life sped up leaving very little room to process. Somewhere in the chaos and sleepless nights she got lost. I got lost, like really lost! 

My dad recently commented upon asking how my life was going that I sure had a lot of balls in the air. He was right, and that comment stung deeper than his nonchalant attitude obviously intended to. Call it desperation, or call it clutter, either way I realized I had put way too much in the books in effort to give myself value. Dad had pulled the thread and it only unravelled from there. I realized that I had started to cling to every little sparkle of life that past me by (because everything felt like it was passing by while I stood frozen in an endless cycle of "mom-life". Do I sound as depressed in writing as it seems when I read this back to myself? I assure you I'm not certifiably crazy...or is that what crazy people say?!).

Hang on...

Just had to chase a dog around my basement to pull an old bandaid out of her mouth. *sigh* See? Not exactly material worth lighting up for...or is it?

My dad was onto something. He shone light on the very issue at hand that I hadn't realized was even there...my world is so chalked full of clutter that I can’t see what’s important anymore! I had been trying to measure my value by doing more. I paused and thought back to my younger version of me. The version of me that seems more relaxed, more confident. You know what that younger version of me had that I don't have now (other than amazing abs and a belly button that doesn't look like an inverted deflated ballon)? Time. She had time. 

The beauty of the gift of time is that it soothes a restless soul and causes us to see the God-given beauty around us. I'm not talking about the beauty of soft, dewy light of the early morning streaming through your window, as poetic as that is to say. I'm talking about the beauty of a simple life lived with God. I have become weary, not because motherhood is a burden, but because I have cluttered the expectations of mom-life with worldly clutter that tells me to do more or run the risk of failing myself, my family, my husband, the community, the church, the world, the dog, the neighbour's cat…you get the point.

So, Mr. Questions #2, what makes me light up you say? Well, quite frankly Jesus, but for the most part I'd say he faded into the background as I created a bizarre and frantic version of what I perceived motherhood to be. There He is disappearing into the background of my three ring circus. Sometimes I lay down at night to pray and I wonder why He seems so distant and where my Light has disappeared to. I get so wrapped up in "busy" attempting to find something that gives life forgetting that He IS the life and light (John 1:4). He really is all I need. He really does give me value, and not because I’ve strategically filled a calendar with lovely events to fill our days with, nor because I have created some amazing ministry. Busy does not make God proud of me. He is proud of me simply because He knows how much I love Him. He values me just because I am His. 

I had a friend on why her most precious moments with God are in the middle of the night. The answer is simple: time, silence, zero distractions. That's why. 

God never meant for us to run frantically from one spot to another. The Bible doesn't tell us to schedule our weeks to give our kids the most opportunities we can possibly jam into the week to round them out. God's word certainly doesn't say "do it all." Nope. None of it. Whatever you've made motherhood out to be, if it's frantic and has left you deplete, it wasn't in God's plans. He didn't ask you to live that life. And yes, younger version of me, I can still have time, even in motherhood!

Here's what God does have to say to us weary mothers who are years into this gig and wondering how we are still standing:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. 

(Matt 11:28-30)

The world puts busy on a pedestal. We applaud the moms who keep a clean house, explore the world with their children, and bake 5 dozen cookies for the bake sale all in one day. You know what I know for certain about those moms? They are tired too. It's just too much. It's a burden we were never meant to carry, and one I'm not willing to carrying with me into this new year. I'm laying "busyness" at the foot of the cross and refusing to pick it up again. I'm not one to have a "word" that sets the tone for my year, but this year I'm picking one (well, actually two because I don't feel like pulling out a thesaurus to work it out): slow down.

This year, I'm setting out to step back and slow down. I'm saying so long to the Joneses who I no longer desire to keep up with. I might lose a friend or two along the way who don’t like slowing down, that’s ok. God won’t leave my side, and right now it’s Him I need more than people. I’m waving farewell to my addiction of busy, as it has made me sick in the worst way possible. I'm reclaiming my time to be still and do less. I'm going to move forward into the new year with the notion that God's burden is light (even in motherhood). If I am going to seek, hear, and learn from Him as He calls me to, then I need space to breath and be still. I need to declutter my world including my expectations on myself. 

I invite you to join me this year as I take this journey to seek the stillness of life alongside Jesus in a frantic world to both serve and honour God from a place of rest. 

Love,

A Letter From Mom (Even Though I am no Longer With You)

I remember the first Mother's Day after my mom has passed. There was an entire holiday I felt I could not participate in anymore, an entire wall at Hallmark was no longer for me. Never again would I find her the perfect card to describe how I felt. This letter is part of a series of letters I have called "Dear Daughter". They are written to my daughters, and I have been sharing them with you from time to time. This one is written for them to read once I am gone, but actually I wrote it partly for myself from my own mom. I hope it helps your aching heart as you grieve a mom who isn't there this Mother's Day weekend.

Dear Daughter,

What I want you to know is that my love for you has no end.

From the moment I knew you were forming inside me I loved you.

I had a secret the world couldn’t see.

I treasured those moments when I carried you 

hidden away

 from harshness of this world.

It was just you and I.

The day I finally got to hold you was like no day ever before.

I had never seen a “you” before!

I saw your eyes and you looked at me.

Your tiny lips were pursed just right;

I couldn’t help but to kiss them.

I had plans and dreams with you;

Some of those plans worked out, other did not.

It wasn’t always easy though,

We haven’t always seen eye to eye;

But nothing will ever change how much I love you and treasure you.

Time passes, dear daughter, 

and as you know,

I will not always be able to walk beside you.

I will not always be close by, or even a phone call away.

You may not see me anymore,

But you need to know...

Just because you cannot see me does not mean I have forgotten you.

From the quiet moments of us the first night I brought you home,

To the moments leading up to my last breath,

Every one of those is embedded deeply into my memory bank,

a bank rich in thoughts of you.

Rest assured darling, you are still on my mind.

But there’s more you still need to know...

However we left each other, whatever words were spoken,

If it was needed, 

I have forgiven you.

You are my daughter and I your mother, 

That is bond that always offers forgiveness.

Rest peacefully knowing I do not carry that hurt with me anymore.

I love you.

Until we meet again,

Love you always and forever,

Mom.

photo credit: Nikola Radojcic @ Unsplash 

If Proverbs 31 Makes You Feel Inadequate

She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.

Proverbs 31:25

To those of us in the trenches of motherhood Proverbs 31 seems like a long, ugly list just waiting to point out our shortcomings. Nothing can make you feel inadequate quite like this chapter when you are a weary, worn-thin mother. 

Your sink is full of dirty dishes, your inbox is overflowing, there is a load of laundry in your machine that you washed three days ago and you’ve successfully forgotten to take it out (though you’ve probably remembered to start the wash for good measure at least twice by now). 

And one day, one extra chaotic day, you snap. (Probably shortly after you’ve come home from church on a Sunday after sitting in the nursery with your tiny child again, still not having heard a single sentence from the sermon for what will have seemed like eternity). 

You’ll long for those days when you would sit quietly meditating on God’s word. Those days when you would pray in the quiet of your home. Those days when you dreamed of working overseas to serve in an orphanage, or building homes, or supplying people with fresh water-- you know, the important stuff! You’ll come home, quietly stifle your tears while you plop sandwich meat on some bread for lunch, then excuse yourself to collapse on your bed.

In anguish the plea goes out to God: “Why aren’t you giving me more time to serve you?! If I’m suppose to be doing Kingdom work, then when and how do I fit it in between nose wipes, bath-times, and paying bills?”

The thought of further adding Proverbs 31 expectations to your plate to be the “ideal” woman causes you to sink deeper into despair. On some level, you think perhaps you’ve failed miserably in your ability to keep up.

Did I describe you?

I'm fairly certain I just described every mother with children.

Including myself.

But, there may be a slightly different picture of who this Proverbs 31 woman is suppose to be. It’s also clear to see who she isn’t. In the 21 verses that describe this woman, nowhere does it say she sits quietly for hours deep in prayer with God, nowhere does it say she leaves behind the mundane and goes to serve in a foreign country. This gives us hope!

If you really slow down this chapter you’ll find what most of us would say are the mundane chores of a day. She makes meals for her family, she shops for the best deal on whatever her household needs, she stays up late hemming her husband's pants (well, sort of). Her husband is well known and highly regarded, so we can safely assume she A) spends a lot of time listening to him and being an encourager, and B) she holds down the fort while he tends to work so he doesn’t have to worry about home. She sews clothes, has a little business to earn a little money, and watches over her household and family (probably even wiping snotty noses in there somewhere). 

And while she opens her arms to the needy, it seems to be right out her back door, not overseas.

Every single one of those tasks isn’t glamorous. None of those tasks demand the, “Look at me, I’m serving and doing amazing things for God!” kind of attention. They are the quiet and the ordinary things of life. It’s 21 verses of a busy wife/mom doing what busy wives/moms do best. It’s 21 verses of dishes, laundry, drying teary eyes, mopping floors, showering, date night, hemming pants, and making a casserole for a sick neighbour.

Sometimes God moves us quickly from one spot to another, and other times we are called to just sit tight...for what seems like forever (especially when we're in the middle of it). He anchors us for awhile so to speak. He’s doing it because he doesn’t NEED us to do anything, except to be right where we are. 

He doesn’t need our hands holding orphans in Uganda, he’s got it. What he really needs is us holding the hands of our children. He doesn’t need our mouths teaching English in Singapore, he’s got that too. He’d rather our mouths teach our children. He doesn’t need us to stay up for hours contemplating deep theological theories, he knows them all anyway. Go to bed, tired mama!

Above all else, the Proverbs 31 woman knows that she’s right where God wants her. She knows she’s serving God through the mundane. It isn’t where she is or what she’s doing, it’s her attitude. 

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,  knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:23-24

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Philippians 4:11

She knows that when this world fades away it won’t matter whether she’s washed laundry, cooked hot dogs and Kraft Dinner, and cleaned dog puke stains from the carpet for the entire last year, or created a ministry that clothes the homeless around the globe. 

What will matter is HOW she served WHEREVER she served. Did she feed her family the KD and hotdogs with kindness, and treat the little one who spilled their cup of water for the gazzilionth time with a gentle approach that reflected God? Did she seek to do the mundane knowing it was God that required that of her, not just temporary circumstances that she's only waiting to get through to get to the other side of where she can REALLY serve?

Her strength and dignity, and her fearlessness of tomorrow all come from knowing that she’s right where God needs her. Right here. Right now. 

He makes the world spin, he really doesn’t need us to do anything more than sit down on the floor and read "Hop on Pop" to our tiny child one more time before bed. Our lives bring him glory whether we heard this week's sermon OR if we rocked our baby in a chair while attempting to stay awake from sleep deprivation in the back corner of church.

You’re right where God needs you.

At the end of the day, when you crawl into bed and mutter a tiny, “Thank you for getting me through today”, before you fall asleep, it’s enough for this season you’re in. You're doing enough. God needs you here. Right here. And rest assured, one day you'll hear a sermon again.

"But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." 1 Timothy 6:11 (emphasis mine)

photo credit: Daria Shevtsova @ Pexels & Dawid Sobolewski @ Unsplash