It was early November that Mom took her last breath. All to quickly the holiday season crept through the front door that year. Though still feeling the numbness of her absence we began to pick up speed through all our usual festivities. School concerts, church gatherings, family, and more family began to add weight to our already heavy hearts. Christmas night was my breaking point. Walking through the front door my legs gave way below my body and I collapsed on the couch with a weariness that penetrated the depths of my soul. My stomach still queasy from the rich feast I had stuffed down (more food than I had eaten in months), my chest heavy with agonizing grief. It was just.too.much.
The first Christmas without our loved one is perhaps the most agonizing time of the year. A season usually filled with laughter, nearness of family, and joy loses its sparkle under the weight of grief. If I could go back in time I would give myself four pieces of advice, but since time travel is impossible I will share them with you instead in hopes of slightly easing the burden of the grief in your holiday season.
1. Allow yourself time to be sad.
Christmas is truly a season of joy as we remember the birth of our Redeemer, it is certainly a time to pause and celebrate! This year, let your gift to yourself be a gift of grace when the joy doesn't come as easily. Be patient, allowing yourself to be sad. Joy will return in small moments though maybe not through this holiday season, but one day. This also goes for the coming years. Grief is a rather odd emotion sneaking up when you least expect it. Be purposeful in taking moments to yourself or with someone you love to be sad and remember the person who has passed. One day you will smile a genuine smile again. One day you will laugh again. One day you will make it through Christmas and enjoy it once more, but until then be gracious with your heart.
2. Expect fatigue
My body was beyond exhausted by the time we made it to Christmas. We had gone from death to funeral to Christmas and both my physical and mental health were deplete. Christmas day I found a quiet space at my grandparent's home, where we were visiting, and excused myself to rest for 30 minutes. Go easy on yourself this year. Slow down the pace and don’t be afraid to say “no” to events and invites. You will be tired as you work to process your emotions and down time will be essential. Give yourself scheduled breaks to be able to rest even if you don’t sleep.
3. Find a way to remember your loved one
On the top of our tree we place an angel that my mom had given to me just before she got sick. Every year our angel finds her place atop our tree and everyone in our home knows the angel is our precious reminder of Mom/ Grammy. You could put out a photo or ornament, light a candle, recite their favourite Bible passage, play their favourite song, or leave an extra place setting at your table. Whatever it is, do something to remember them and remind you of the cherished memories you still carry even though they are gone. It is in those sweet memories that you will find the healing balm for your wounded heart.
4. Know that how you feel won’t last forever
Christmas is no longer what it once was. Every now and then I still find myself grieving over what use to be, but we have found a new normal. This is true whenever there are monumental changes in our lives be it a death, a move, divorce, a new baby, or anything that brings about newness good or bad. Our traditions have changed a little to adapt. Our new traditions are growing sweeter again as the holidays no longer sting like they once did. It is hard my sweet reader but the crushing pangs of grief will lift, don’t take my word for it, here’s what God has to say to you:
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance… (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)
Take heart. Know that God is near you, comforting you, and strengthening you as you rest.
photo credits: Annie Spratt @ Unsplash