Your First Christmas After the Death of a Loved One

It was early November that Mom took her last breath. All to quickly the holiday season crept through the front door that year. Though still feeling the numbness of her absence we began to pick up speed through all our usual festivities. School concerts, church gatherings, family, and more family began to add weight to our already heavy hearts. Christmas night was my breaking point. Walking through the front door my legs gave way below my body and I collapsed on the couch with a weariness that penetrated the depths of my soul. My stomach still queasy from the rich feast I had stuffed down (more food than I had eaten in months), my chest heavy with agonizing grief. It was just.too.much. 

The first Christmas without our loved one is perhaps the most agonizing time of the year. A season usually filled with laughter, nearness of family, and joy loses its sparkle under the weight of grief. If I could go back in time I would give myself four pieces of advice, but since time travel is impossible I will share them with you instead in hopes of slightly easing the burden of the grief in your holiday season.

1. Allow yourself time to be sad.

Christmas is truly a season of joy as we remember the birth of our Redeemer, it is certainly a time to pause and celebrate! This year, let your gift to yourself be a gift of grace when the joy doesn't come as easily. Be patient, allowing yourself to be sad. Joy will return in small moments though maybe not through this holiday season, but one day. This also goes for the coming years. Grief is a rather odd emotion sneaking up when you least expect it. Be purposeful in taking moments to yourself or with someone you love to be sad and remember the person who has passed. One day you will smile a genuine smile again. One day you will laugh again. One day you will make it through Christmas and enjoy it once more, but until then be gracious with your heart.

2. Expect fatigue

My body was beyond exhausted by the time we made it to Christmas. We had gone from death to funeral to Christmas and both my physical and mental health were deplete. Christmas day I found a quiet space at my grandparent's home, where we were visiting, and excused myself to rest for 30 minutes. Go easy on yourself this year. Slow down the pace and don’t be afraid to say “no” to events and invites. You will be tired as you work to process your emotions and down time will be essential. Give yourself scheduled breaks to be able to rest even if you don’t sleep.

3. Find a way to remember your loved one

On the top of our tree we place an angel that my mom had given to me just before she got sick. Every year our angel finds her place atop our tree and everyone in our home knows the angel is our precious reminder of Mom/ Grammy. You could put out a photo or ornament, light a candle, recite their favourite Bible passage, play their favourite song, or leave an extra place setting at your table. Whatever it is, do something to remember them and remind you of the cherished memories you still carry even though they are gone. It is in those sweet memories that you will find the healing balm for your wounded heart.

4. Know that how you feel won’t last forever

Christmas is no longer what it once was. Every now and then I still find myself grieving over what use to be, but we have found a new normal. This is true whenever there are monumental changes in our lives be it a death, a move, divorce, a new baby, or anything that brings about newness good or bad. Our traditions have changed a little to adapt. Our new traditions are growing sweeter again as the holidays no longer sting like they once did. It is hard my sweet reader but the crushing pangs of grief will lift, don’t take my word for it, here’s what God has to say to you:

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance… (Ecclesiastes  3:1,4)

 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Take heart. Know that God is near you, comforting you, and strengthening you as you rest.  

Love,

photo credits: Annie Spratt @ Unsplash

Oh Death, Where is your Sting?

I remember that morning well. We had just barely slept for a few brief hours before we were called back to see her. We were exhausted as we walked down the hospital corridors to her room. I took a deep breath, opened the door and went in...alone.

The morning sunlight danced beautifully around her room. It was quiet and soothing. I walked cautiously to the side of her bed unsure if I was ready to see her. Just two short hours before, my mom had taken her last breath. Her journey with us ended...or so it felt at the time.

Death was not new to me. In fact, death had become so commonplace in my life that I surprised myself by my reaction to this particular one. She wasn’t even my first “major” death as they call it (whoever "they" are). But this one took me on a journey.

Where exactly had she gone? She clearly wasn’t with me in the room anymore, only her vacant, warm shell remained. She still smelled like mom, still felt like mom I noted as I buried my face in her neck inhaling deeply. I noted the freckle on her jawline as I mentally tried to absorb every detail of her so as not to forget later. It was the same freckle I fell asleep looking at as she used to rock me when I was young.

But where was mom? 

My Christian upbringing told me that she was in Heaven. I never once doubted that. 

Everyone kept saying, “She’s with the Lord now.” I believed that too.

“She’s gone home,” said another. Yup. Got it.

But where was home? 

Oh Heaven, how my human brain has grappled with who you are! But as time went on, a few truths began to sink in: 

1. Heaven is not a floating destination in the clouds. It is real. It is concrete. Mom’s feet were not floating around somewhere. They were walking on the very real soil of Heaven. Although I’ve never been to Australia, I know it is real and people are doing things similar to where I live. Heaven is no different, although it is most perfect and free from sin, it is still as real as the countries of earth.

2. Heaven is not so different from here that it will be unrecognizable. There are trees and flowers, instruments and music, a climate, things to do, places to live, and people (some we know and others we do not). The same Creator who made earth also made Heaven. We will recognize many of the same features. 

3. Memories from earth are not erased in Heaven. Our minds don’t suddenly develop a sort of "earth amnesia" where everything we did here simply slips from our minds. We will know abundantly more than we do now, but we will not forget the people and memories. My mom was not present with us, but she had not ceased thinking about me.

4. I want to go there one day. Perhaps this was the greatest truth that began to sink in. Death lost its sting with the death of my mom. Heaven was no longer the scary unknown anymore, but a real place with people I love waiting for me.

5. The message of the empty tomb not only set me free from the fear of death, but made me long for the day when I enter into Heaven.

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.”

Philippians 1:21-23 ESV

Oh the glorious empty tomb! The reminder that Jesus set me free from the very fear that I had been packing. Death won’t stop me from my freedom! Sickness won’t stop me from my freedom! My own sinful nature has been washed cleaned and I am free!

One day I will have my turn. I will take my final breath this side of Heaven and step into the arms of my Saviour eternally. My feet placed on solid soil in the perfection of Heaven, where the light of God shines so brightly the sun will no longer be needed. I am here today, that much I know. But, the promise of my eternity is deeply embedded in my soul as the Holy Spirit reminds me of what is to come. I long for that day!

May you be reminded this Easter weekend, that Jesus paid the price for us to be able to enter a very real, very perfect Heaven. It is not a story of long ago and far away, it is fact pertaining to YOUR future. A future where not only Heaven will become real as you view it, but so will the embrace of God Almighty as He opens his arms and welcomes you in. 

“O death, where is your victory?

    O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57